Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Can’t, holding a grudge
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.