Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.