Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Thursday
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this