I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored