YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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Jogging
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit