Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.