It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.