Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns