Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.