I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table