They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.