Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

english majors be like furthermore

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.