My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
