my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
#Thanos #MondayMood
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running