i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Dr: how鈥檚 your diet?
Me: I鈥檝e been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn鈥檛 good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn鈥檛 it?
coworker: um. this just isn鈥檛 what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I can鈥檛 stop watching this video 馃槀馃槀馃槀
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I鈥檓 getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I鈥檓 searching for into the status update field.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don鈥檛 do that anymore.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?