Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”