Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.