Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*