Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Blew out my flip flop…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
2023 was just a warmup