You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.