Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt