I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.