afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”