Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…