My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
New nose
Mike is short for Micycle
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half