Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift