I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
You Might Also Like
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
had to make it
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work