putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
A wise man once said nothing.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.