Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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saw this in a dream
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Just had my nails done!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
i think we should see other cousins
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
i wonder why they stopped looking
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”