Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

This is a genius move

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Finally!

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl