Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Snack for election night!

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset