Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

then why did i get this email

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.