Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Dead
Alive
Other✔
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
We don’t deserve birds.
