Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

When I snag the last meatball.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

“FRAAANCE!”

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I feel this so hard

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.