girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.