Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth