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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆