Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.