Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
He just like my cat fr
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.