My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I found your tweet-up…
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.