Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy