Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Basically, any European coat of arms:

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone