There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Rude much 😂😂😂
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.