Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
i can’t wait that long
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.