Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
me and the Superbowl rn
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children