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My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.