Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?