Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text