Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

My dating profile:

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.