Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Canadian owl: Eh?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.